Siriusly Severe
by lizbennett
Summary: James, Remus, and Peter hear some loud cursing from Sirius. What could be going on? And what is Snape doing with him?


A.N. Hey this is my first fanfic ever, as well as the first story I've ever written that I've actually managed to finish. I wrote it mostly b/c of a dare. It's slash, so if you don't like that, I suggest you click the "Back" button right away.

This fanfic contains suggestive material not suitable for young adults under the age of 17. Parental supervision is suggested. The characters belong to JK Rowling and WB.

"SWEET MERLIN AND AGRIPPA! WHAT THE FUCK!"

Remus calmly looked up from the table where his copy of the latest edition of the Daily Prophet lay. He gave James a glance. "Do I want to know what Sirius is up to?"

James gave a sheepish shrug. "Probably not."

Remus sighed, rolling his eyes as he went back to his paper. "I guess I'm better off left in the dark then."

"Not under a full moon," James muttered under his breath.

"I heard that."

"Sorry Moony."

Peter looked confused. "If Lupin is in the dark, how can there be a full moon?"

James and Remus looked at each other, shaking their heads. "Never mind, Wormtail."

Meanwhile…

In the hospital wing away from his trio of friends, Sirius was having the worst experience of his life.

"God damnit! Give it to me already!"

"I'm trying! You're like a virgin! When was the last time you've done this?"

Sirius turned to his tormenter, trying to contemplate whether he should lie or not. "About 4 months ago," he said sarcastically.

"Sweet Merlin! No wonder it's so tight!"

Sirius tried to prevent himself from growing claws. Any other time he would gladly nail the irritating prick to a wall and let him know just how painful it was to shove something that felt like a billion needles up his posterior.

"Are you fucking done yet?"

The hook nosed young man gave Sirius a beady stare. "Does it look like I'm finished? I still have half of the potion left to shove up you!"

That did it. "I'd really appreciate it if you would stop shoving it up me so hard! God, I know how you feel about me, and I feel about you the same way, but I want this shit over with quickly so no one thinks we're shagging each other!" Sirius growled.

"Trust me! If Nurse Pomfrey wasn't so fricking modest about applying certain potions to students I would no sooner put my hands anywhere near your body, much less your arse!" Snape snarled back.

"She's about as modest as a Can Can girl!" Sirius retorted, his eyes glazed with pain. He struggled to get up from the bed, but the burning ache on his back was just too great. With one great heave, he slumped back on the bed, breathing heavily from the forced exertion.

"I know that you're just doing this so you can laugh with all your Slytherin shits about how you managed to shove one up on evil Sirius! That's what you're thinking! I'm finally at your mercy! I bet you're not even putting in the medicine Pomfrey told you to…I bet it's poison!"

"For the love of Merlin and Agrippa would you shut the fuck up!" Snape groaned. "God, I wish I didn't have to do this as much as you do! It's not my fault Pomfrey trusts me to mix potions for her! If I didn't want a 50 point bonus for Slytherin for helping a fellow Hogwarts student in need…no…if I hadn't run into Pomfrey the moment you thought it was a brilliant idea to see if you could fly your broom with no hands because you were so full of Firewhiskey, then neither of us would be going through this torture!

"I might have been in pain when Pomfrey and McGonagall came to my aid, but I certainly wasn't blind! You know damn well you practically begged them to let you to take care of me seeing as you've got the highest Potions grades in class. And they weren't going to do it because they're…"

"Too modest to want to shove a potion that mends back sprains and spasms up your anus!" Snape finished for him.

"One of my friends could have done it," Sirius mumbled angrily.

"Who? Potter?" (Snape could barely spit out the name) "I'm sure he would have greatly enjoyed shoving this up you… it probably would be the thrill of his life! I wouldn't be surprised if that's what all four of you prats do when no one else is around…"

"That's a damn lie!" Sirius yelled back. "Everyone knows James has the hots for Evans! And Remus, well…he may be a bit shy around girls, but he's straight for sure! And Peter, well…oh to be honest, who would want to date him?"

Snape could barely suppress a laugh.

"OUCH! DAMNIT!"

"Well, that's the last of it," Snape told him, removing the potion bottle quickly from Sirius's backside. "You have to remain lying down for the next hour, in order for the potion to fully penetrate your back muscles and heal them."

Sirius sighed. "God…why did I have to brag that I could drink 4 shots without a hangover?"

"Because you're an arrogant, brainless git," Snape finished for him, relieved to have the job finally done. Even though it had taken ten minutes longer than it should have, thanks to Sirius's constant complaints.

Sirius turned his head as much as he could towards Snape, who was still behind him. "Aren't you going to wash your hands?"

Snape stared at him. "I used my wand in order to have the potion penetrate you! Do you honestly think I would use my bare hands?" He shuddered violently.

Sirius nodded. He was more than a bit thankful himself that Snape hadn't used his hands on him…the very thought made him want to retch.

"So…are you going to be my nurse for the next hour?" he asked the Slytherin.

Snape frowned. "Unfortunately."

Sirius sighed. "What the crap am I supposed to do until then?"

"Continue to act like a whiny bitch, rail curses at me until you get hoarse, imagine the potion was your first time…"

Sirius glared at him. "You can stop rubbing it in, ok?"

Snape snickered. "Ohhh…don't want anyone to know that we're not only gay, but we're a virgin as well!"

Sirius siriusly considered taking Snape's wand from him to show him the true meaning of "pain in the ass".

"If I had known you were going to be at the Gay Wizarding Alliance this past summer, I would not have shown up."

Snape raised his eyebrows. "Afraid of being judged, are we?"

"Can you shove it already! Geesh, I know it's the 1970's, but still…none of my friends are gay. Everyone thinks I'm super hot, bird-magnet Sirius. If they found out they would…"

"Shit needles?"

"Very funny. Look, you don't understand. I'm already denounced by my parents just because I don't…"

"Have your head up your ass?"

"Oh shut the fuck up. I can't have my friends denounce me as well. You know Remus's secret, and now you know mine, and you could so easily embarrass the hell out of both of us."

"And yet I haven't. Gee, I wonder why?" Snape mused.

Sirius grunted. "Because you're a sadistic SOB who has more horrible things in store for us?"

"Close, but no," Snape replied.

"Then what gives? I still don't trust why you would want to help my back feel better by shoving a potion up me."

"Then maybe you don't know me very well," Snape said softly.

Sirius stared at him. For once, he didn't know what to say to his longtime enemy.

"You know," he said, trying to clear his throat to ease the awkwardness. "You're not all that bad…for a Slytherin."

Snape snorted. "I try."

Sirius gave him a look over. "You're not exactly my idea of a hot dick, but you'll do for most I guess."

"Excuse me?" Snape asked him.

Sirius took a deep breath. "Look, I'm not saying I'm sorry, and I'm not saying you didn't deserve some of the shit James and I pulled on you, but…" the words were hardly out of his mouth before Snape bent over and placed his mouth over his. Before Sirius could jerk his face away in shock, it was over. He stared as Snape opened his eyes. There was a fiery glint to them that wasn't there a second ago.

Snape smiled, rather wickedly, Sirius noted.

"Gotcha."

Before Sirius could say a word, Snape pulled out a photo that he had taken the minute his lips had touched Sirius's. A second photo appeared, showing a full view of Sirius's backside.

"OMG! What the fuck?"

Snape laughed evilly. "You honestly believed my intentions were noble! You're not only an arrogant bullying bastard; you're a stupid brainless one at that! And to think that I'm gay! HA HA HA! I knew that you were all along! The only reason I went there was so you would think I was too, and so that I would have something over you. You've been afraid of messing with me ever since, afraid that I would tell others your little secret. Well, the cat's out of the bag now…or should I say there's a full moon tonight?"

Sirius was flabbergasted.

"With these photos, every Hogwarts student will know the real Sirius as well as his peculiar sexual appeasements…such as large bottles?"

"What the…" Sirius tried to cut in, but Snape pointed his wand at him threateningly. "This will teach you fucking stupid Marauders to mess with me ever again! Now Potter and Lupin and Pettigrew will know the real reason why you're so afraid of me this year! And you'll know what it's like to truly be without friends, much less people that care about you! Serves you right for playing that fucking joke last year that could have killed me! Well, I'm not morbid enough to wish you death, but I'm going to see you in misery before our last year is over!"

And with that, Snape gloatingly left the room, the photos in one hand, his camera and wand in the other.

James was just about to enter the hospital wing when he saw Snape leave the room.

"Is he okay now?" he asked the greasy haired boy. Normally he wouldn't even condescend to address Snape, much less ask him anything, but fear for Sirius's well being led him to question. Remembering Dumbledore's warning to treat Snape with more politeness after the events the previous year, James forced himself to make the tone as pleasant as possible. But not too pleasant.

Snape gave James an odd look. "He's ok enough for another go on the broom," he chuckled.

James frowned, but before he could say anything, Snape had left the room.

James immediately walked over to where Sirius lay on his back. He bit his mouth to keep from laughing. Parts of his friend's pale white cheeks were smeared with black and purple bruises.

"It looks like it was painful," he commented after a moment of staring.

"It was hell," Sirius groaned.

James was compassionate enough to feel some more sympathy for Sirius. After all, he had to have his back treated by Snape, of all people.

"It certainly sounded that way. We could hear you all the way from the Great Hall."

Sirius tried to twist his body James's way. "What could you hear?"

James grinned. "Mostly a lot of swear words."

Sirius looked relieved. "Oh."

James looked at him. "Did anything happen?"

"What?" Sirius's relieved expression changed back to its former look of anxiety.

"I asked if anything happened," James repeated.

"Oh…nothing really. Just a lot of pushing and groaning and pain and…James…oh god." Sirius moaned.

"What?" James said, fearful of Sirius's pained expression. "Is the medicine not working? I knew Snape would pull something like that!"

"No, the medicine's working just fine! It's not that, its…" Sirius slumped back down.

"Well? What is it then? James asked.

"That bastard played a trick on me!" Sirius groaned.

"What did he do?"

Sirius grumbled on the pillow. "I can't tell you."

"Why?"

"Because it's personal."

"Look Sirius. If I can see your pale white ass, I should be able to know what Snape did to you."

"All right. Promise you'll still be my friend after I tell you?"

James looked surprised. "Of course! Just don't tell me you and Snape are an item now!" he tried to joke.

Sirius turned pale.

"Oh sweet Merlin, are you Sirius?" James asked, completely shocked.

"NO! God damnit, I'd rather die than be intimate with that little fuck," Sirius insisted.

"Then what the hell did he do to you?" James demanded.

"That greasy haired piece of shit kissed me, then took a picture of us kissing, as well as a picture of my ass, and plans to use them as revenge against all the tricks I've pulled on him!"

James's jaw dropped open. "That slimeball kissed you?"

Sirius nodded miserably. "Unfortunately yes."

"Did he do anything else?"

Sirius turned his head back to the pillow. "IsawhimattheGayWizardingAlliance."

"Sorry?"

"I said I saw him at the Gay Wizarding Alliance," Sirius admitted.

James started laughing his head off. "GWA? HA HA HA!"

Then he looked back at Sirius. "Wait, you saw him there? So…"

Sirius nodded. "I'm gay."

"Are you serious?"

"About seeing Snape at the GWA, or the fact that I'm gay?'

"Both!"

"I saw Snape at the GWA, and I'm gay."

James studied Sirius for a minute. Sirius felt numb all of a sudden. Then James burst into a smile. "It's about time you said something about it."

"You knew?"

"How could I not? It's been kind of obvious…how you stare at other guys like you're checking them out…never noticing the girls that are eyeing you hopefully in class…and you think I've forgotten the fact that you got your first hard on checking out Remus while we were getting dressed?"

Sirius laughed a little uncomfortably. "I always hoped he'd never know that."

"Well he doesn't," James assured him.

"Well now, thanks to Snape, everyone's going to know now."

"Don't worry about him. I'll speak to Dumbledore about it."

"Dumbledore? I don't think I want him to know about my sexual preference!"

"Well I don't think we have any other options, Sirius. Otherwise you're going to have your ass kicked by all the other Slytherin gits."

Sirius sighed remorsefully. "I wish I hadn't trusted Snape to put the potion in me."

"That's not your fault Sirius. Snape should have been more mature about the whole thing. He knew you were in a compromising position. He took advantage of the situation."

"How could he not? After we practically killed him last year?"

"It's still his choice Sirius. Snape may not be able to forget what we've done to him, but acting in retaliation isn't any better."

Sirius smiled. "What would I do without you as a friend?"

"Probably moon everyone in the school," James snickered.

"Hey!" Sirius groaned in irritation.

"So who else did you see at the GWA? Just out of curiosity," James prodded him.

"Well…there was this one guy that reminded me of Dumbledore…"

"Maybe it's some relative like his brother…"

The End


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